Beauty and the Geek

In case you came here looking for blog posts on Brighthouse Cable, or stuff about Great Pyrenees, or me, or whatever, I am here now.  Beautyandthegeek will stay up indefinintely but I will be actively posting at Wandering Bella. I will still gripe about Brighthouse Cable, and talk about Great Pyrenees over there, but be forewarned you’ll also be getting some depressing fare about the Geek and I closing down the chapter of our life as partners, how we will be starting anew as friends, and all the associated trauma.   If you want more info on that sad story, read this blog entry.

The post that appears below was one I made at a very low point over this past weekend. And then I retracted it - not exactly sure why - I guess maybe one is hope. Two, I’ve been in this mode of what goes on with us is just our business - because no one, no one can truly ever understand what goes on in a relationship except the two people in it - and I feel this way particularly about our relationship because what we had/have was special, was bigger, was far more intense than anything I had ever known.  Or maybe it was for fear of being judged or pitied or whatever because I do know in general who reads this blog and I don’t want pity from coworkers, or friends, or third parties, or acquaintances. And then I realized I don’t give people enough credit.  Now I am reposting it below because writing helps me. And the “we” or “our” that this blog represents(ed) are both dealing with everything.  It’s not just me.  Dave knows I will be writing and posting - and he knows it will help me - I am an open person.  To be clear, no one hates anyone. Far from it. That would make this so much easier - more black and white - and right now things are a dense, foggy gray. So there will be no bashing, no hate, no wholesale blaming because it’s not necessary. Anyway, for now this blog will remain up but inactive until whatever happens happens and I can deal with it.  I am starting my new blog over at wanderingbella.wordpress.com.  It will take me time to get that designed, configured and going so please be patient.  I had been planning a new blog anyway for some time, so no time like the present I suppose.

Originally posted Sunday, August 26th

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I was going to take a break from this blog, but that was when I still had hope. The hope has dissolved into just moving forward at this point. I will be starting a new blog shortly, when I get things sorted out. This blog has to go away when I can do it, because it was about the life I shared with the Geek (dave) and due to some awful things we both have done, that life is over. It ended officially August 23, maybe a few weeks before for Dave, and I think today is the first day that I can really start to let go of hope of making this work. The next weeks and months will be beyond difficult for me because Dave is the love of my life.  I have a world of regret the he only had about a year with me before my mom got sick and I lost control over myself. Our time together has been filled with many ups and many downs and I am devastated that the life we had, and that we had imagined for ourselves, a life full of white furry dogs, trips, family, loyalty, support, laughter, tears, the whole thing, is over.  And while I’ve never posted about this specifically, I’ve been battling a very bad bout of depression and that has made me do things to harm this relationship that I will regret for the rest of my life. He hit rock bottom and then I followed not to far behind.  I take total and complete ownership for my part in all of this. I will never be able to hate him, or stop loving him. I don’t know if he feels the same, but that will make this so much more difficult. To think about taking this blog down, changing my relationship status online, taking our joint pictures off of Flickr, and the other million things I am going to have to do to disentangle our life is more than my brain can take. So I’m going to take this an hour at a time, reach out to my friends who have been so wonderful already, and keep moving forward. 

For a variety of small reasons and a few big ones, I’m going to be taking a break from this blog for a bit. I don’t know if it will be short or long. Just wanted to let all 23 of you know

One of the great conflicts I have personally with our support and fostering of rescued Great Pyrs is the emotional havoc it wreaks on us.  I love doing what we do because it’s very rewarding, and something bigger than we are in the grand scheme of the universe. It helps me find meaning. But the dark flip side is dealing with the physical and emotional condition of some of these dogs when they get into rescue – even after all this time it still brings tears to my eyes, especially when I think of the dogs who have been beaten within an inch of their life and trust no one. Or the ones like Buddy who was left out on a wire lead that wrapped itself around his leg, forcing his deadbeat owners to amputate the leg. Then the deadbeat owners put him back out on the lead – finally IGPR went in and took him. Or Lilly – one of my favorite fosters. She was removed from a house because of mistreatment. When she arrived at our house to be fostered, she was frightened of everything, skin and bones, riddled with parasites, covered in ticks the size of grapes, and had some kind of upper respiratory infection. I’ll never forget that night – I sat in the bathroom and bawled while Dave spent 3 hours removing the ticks from her.  And who can forget Fiona. Suffice it to say it makes me really question my fellow humans. So when all this Michael Vick sh!t hit the fan, I felt so angry I could barely speak. I don’t mean to get all Old Testament, eye for an eye but Vick does not deserve 12-18 months in jail and a fine that will barely scratch the surface of his millions. That would never be enough. He deserves the same inhumane treatment he inflicted on these dogs. Someone should attached an electrical charge to his balls and shock him. Then beat him. Then whip him. Then hang him. Or turn him loose in the general public of rough prison and let the inmates take care of him. I applaud the NFL for the temporary suspension – I hope he is banned from the league forever. Whatever happens, it will never be enough to atone for what he did to these poor helpless animals.  One of my favorite quotes is from Mahatma Gandhi: “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” And he is so very right.

One night last week, a few minutes shy of midnight and about 3 hours past my bedtime, I finally made it to bed when I realized I had left my iPod and cell phone in the car which was on the street and not in the garage. I use my cell phone as my alarm clock, and well I’m an idiot if I leave my iPod sitting in my car overnight  – I may as well have placed a large sign in the car window that said “Break right on in! Valuable electronics devices free to a good home!”  I hauled my pathetic self out of bed and trudged down the steps to retrieve my devices. It’s late and I’m tired. I get about 2 steps from the front door when I realize I’m a) barefoot and b) wearing a summer nightie. It’s not weird or sexy lingerie, it’s not racy. It’s from Target - it is lightweight, pale pink, kind of see-through and short on coverage (I’m not Bette Paige here people – it’s 98 degrees and humid as all get out in the Midwest right now) so I am going for optimal sleep comfort and temperature regulation. It’s quite rare to see people outside our quiet street at this time of night but I figure I should try and cover up just in case. Not wanting to expend the energy to go all the way back upstairs to get shoes and pants, I start looking around to see what’s available on this level of the house in the way of clothing and footwear. I locate a pair of black Nine West sling-back pumps I had worn to work the day before that never made their way back upstairs. I went to the mudroom and grabbed the first coat I saw – my All-Time Favorite Gap Outlet Bargain Item (and when I say outlet I mean the real outlet in Kentucky, not the fake outlet) - a $12, khaki A-line rain coat (shout-out to one of my best pals Dana who can find bargains at the Gap Outlet like no one’s business and found this coat for me).  I don my raincoat and pumps, attempt to straighten my crooked glasses, turn off all the lights, again just in case, and head out to the car. I quickly retrieved my phone and iPod and hurried back up the steps to the front porch. I was smugly opening up my front door, thinking how clever am I for not being seen in my crazy lady get-up when Lucy, my tuxedo kitty, darts out and takes off for the trees. Shit! Lucy was my first baby, she’s been with me for 7 years during some of the lowest points in my life. And ever since I had the audacity to move in with Mister and the Geek, adopt Bella, and further had the audacity to subject her to the revolving door of dogs that is our house, she’s been carefully plotting and planning her escape. Shit! I utter again and set down my keys, iPod and phone and awkwardly take off after her, heels clacking away on the sidewalk. I managed to snag her out by the curb right as she is preparing to climb up the rather huge, 30-year old gum tree. Talk about nightmare – having to call the fire department at midnight to come get my cat out of the tree whilst wearing my hausfrau getup. Now I’ve gone from crazy lady to crazy cat lady.  Anyway I firmly secure the non-declawed Lucy in my grip when I hear a wood door slam against a wood door frame. We don’t have a wood door. Our new, very nice and normal next-door neighbors do. Neighbors who are in med school and work odd hours. Neighbors who at some point we hope(d) might become across the fence beer-drinking buddies. At this point I’m still behind the gum tree, my heels are sinking into the ground, and I am starting to realize just how absolutely ridiculous I look. Slippers and a bathrobe would make so much more sense at this point. The gum tree trunk is preventing whoever is on the porch from seeing me but Lucy is starting to try and wrestle herself out of my arms, claws and all, which is causing an audible scuttlebutt so now it is decision time. Do I suck it up and run inside, crazy clothes and all, or wait it out and hope they don’t think I am the boogeyman doing something illicit or illegal behind the gum tree? Aw hell – I would rather be humiliated than arrested so I just take off running for the front porch, sneaking a look (but no eye contact) to see what’s going on. Who the heck plants houseplants at midnight? Anyway, I get back up on the front porch, open the door, toss Lucy inside, collect all my crap and get myself inside, but not without losing a shoe (and my dignity) in the process. Apparently hausfraus and Cinderellas can both lose shoes, but in this case I had no prince looking for me – just a bemused Geek, watching as I hobbled into the bedroom, nightie-clad, one shoe, raincoat, and with keys, iPod, and phone in hand. He could barely summon a response except to look up from his book, say “Wow honey, that’s really hot” and stick his nose back in his book.